It started off horrible. It was one of those days that I didn't want to get out of bed because I was in a crappy mood and everything bugged me and made me want to cry.
It all started when I broke the ceiling.... Yes, you read that right. Water seeped through the floor while I was taking a shower and now you can see the pipes. Fun right??
So I left for church before my parents found out and I thought I was going to be in SO much trouble...
Before I left, though, I had shot a text to the missionaries asking a question, I got a sassy response back because they were trying to be funny but I took it the wrong way and it hurt my feelings and made me feel even worse.
Then during Sacrament I was sitting alone, like usual. But this week it was really bothering me. I sit closer to the back so I look out and see all these perfect little families and it makes me kind of sad, sometimes. But halfway through the opening song, a wonderful woman came and sat next to me. It was SO nice. I loved that. I was also given a couple books by someone in my ward. That was so cool.
2nd hour I actually went to my right class. I'm glad I did. It was a great lesson that I needed to hear. It was about comparing ourselves to others. I've had a bad habit of that, recently. I compare myself to other people in the church, usually. Things like "Oh! Savannah is SO pretty and talented, why can't I be like that?" or "Elder Christensen has such a powerful testimony, why can't mine touch someone like his touched me?" or "Bethany's so confident, why can't I be that confident?" Yeah, it's pretty bad. But Heavenly Father loves us all the same. I love that so much.
I've been struggling with all the changes that come with suddenly being a member after 3 years of being an investigator. One of those struggles is getting used to having home teachers. I'm so reluctant to go to them for help. I don't really know why. It's scary for me to build relationships, especially when I feel like I HAVE to. That's kind of how I felt with the home teachers. No matter who I talk to, whether its the mishs or the bishop or the laurels, my home teachers always come up. And it was really bothering me today. Anytime I asked a question the answer was always "go ask your home teachers." So I kind of snapped. I told the missionaries that it was bugging me that they kept saying that and I knew I was wrong, but I still said it. I don't really know what I'm doing, these days. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, for the most part. So Elder C was talking to me about how I needed to use the home teachers and all that stuff. I had tears in my eyes and everything when Savannah walked by and asked if I was coming to YW's I said no, and that I wanted to just go home. The Elders walked away and me and Savannah talked for a little bit. She's such a great example to me. I'm SO glad I know her. She always gives me the best advice and she makes me feel so much better. I can go to her for anything and I know that she won't judge me or make fun of me. She's one of the most genuine people you will ever meet. I take her friendship for granted.
Long story short, I went to YW's and heard another lesson I needed to hear. This one was about who we are and who we can become.
One thing that Madison asked us was "who do you want to become?" That was an easy question.
- An example
- A light in someone's life
- A mom
- A wife
- A ward missionary
And so on. She also asked who we already were. That was harder because I've always been pretty hard on myself.
- Stubborn (in a good and bad way)
- A pretty good artist
I need to work on making a list of things I see in myself. I think that'll be my new goal. :)
Anyway, Savannah was right. I needed that lesson.
Then I set up a date for my patriarchal blessing (February 16th) I'm thrilled. I really need that.
Then I met with my home teachers. And yes. Elder C was right, it wasn't so bad. Maybe I shouldn't be so against it.
And then we talked about Trek. Oh my gosh, I'm SO excited. Mostly for the fact that I will have a "family" for 3 days that I can read scriptures and pray with. That's my dream. Its small, but that's what I've always wanted.
Savannah, the Elders and I read the scriptures with my investigator a couple weeks ago. I loved that. I wonder if that's how it feels when families read together. I look forward to having that experience.
Savannah gave me a bunch of letters today. On them, it says things like "Open when you feel lonely" and "Open when you feel like you have too many questions" and so on. That meant a lot to me. I'm so excited to see what's in them.
"I just want people to see Christ in me.
I don't even care if they know my name,
as long as they get to know my God."
This quote has been playing in my head since I wrote it in Elder C's little book. It means so much to me. It is SO true. I do want people to see the Christ in me. How great is it when someone says "Oh yeah, you look like a Mormon!" or someone comes up and says "There's something different about you."? I LOVE that. That's always super cool to me. I want to be that example to someone. I want to be a missionary and change someone's life. I want to be as confident as Bethany and as talented as Savannah and as powerful as Elder C. I'm going to continue to strive to get better and better so the people around me will learn who I stand for and not just see me when they look at me. But they see Him.